a marriage of two halves

When you're married for nearly 25 years....

My husband was in the army when I met him and served 12 years leaving with an honourable discharge in January 2000. I always of thought of my married life as having two halves; the army years and the civie years. That was until hubby got testicular cancer in 2010. Then married life became before cancer and afterwards. My husband was luck the cancer was caught early and he will be 5 years in remission come May 2015. We have wonderful, endless support from the charity checkemlads.com for which I am always grateful. Cancer is the reason I've been on antidepressants for nearly 5 years.

I thought I could handle cancer affecting our family, after all we had got through horrendous debt in 2006, loss of jobs, family issues etc. I thought I was strong and could handle anything, it was a case of bring it on! How wrong I was...

My husband told me in the January of 2010 he had found a lump in his right testicle.  He thought it was probably a cyst, similar to one I'd had removed from my ovaries 5 months previously. He did not hurry to the doctors and I had to nag him to get him there. Then things moved very quickly,  a scan confirmed it was cancer so a date was given for removal. I calmly understood this and got on with my everyday life; family, work, hobbies. But slowly the black black cannonball began to sit on my chest. I couldn't think of anything less but the CANCER. In my mind it began to take on a personality of it's own, a cruel twisted lump which I hated and couldn't see why it was given any right to exist. I would look at my husband and think 'God how I love you' I didn't want to lose him, we had been together for so long we know each other inside and out. So it began.... the waking early, the tears, the irrational thoughts, the sighing, the bleak murky murk brain fog. I was in the grip of depression. My boss the same one who recently spoke to me about stress, called me gor a chat and begged me to ho to the doctors. I'm glad I did I was off work for 10 weeks, but me and hubby got better together and closer than ever.

Cancer still terrifies me, my Dad has it at the moment and along with other issues; family, finances, illness contributed to the depression that grips me now. Yes 5 years ago I did learn to feel better after 9 months, but my GP was never inclined to take me off my antidepressants,  he understood the crutch they had become. That is why the dose was upped before Christmas, and needs upping again. I can't cope with real life at the moment! With everything that I have had in my life I feel at times that yes I'm only 43 but I feel I've lived a number of life times within my 43 years. Cancer affects 1 in 3 of us in the UK and impacts on the lives of 1 in 2. And I hate it, hate it,  hate I hate it!

Support also came from Macmillan Cancer Support and men make sure do your testicular self exam!