if only life were as simple as making bread

How I envy yeast...

I've been making sourdough bread again, sourdough starter is an undemanding life form, it only requires feeding with flour, a sprinkle of sugar or honey and water. You can leave it to do it's own thing, be it on the shelf in the fridge, or the mantel shelf. It asks nothing of me and gives much more in return; delicious homemade bread. There is a life lesson in there somewhere and it's to do with treating something with respect and getting good things in return. I wish my life was as uncomplicated as the that of the yeast living in a jar in my fridge.

Bread making soothes me, it's an activity I can do for my family that gets me out of bed, that means I can be solitary in the kitchen and away from family noise. I love my family but with depression having me in it's clutches,  I can honestly say I would rather be in the kitchen away from them. Sometimes I hide and smoke a cigarette in the back room of our terraced house. Yes it's another hiding place, and yes I am avoiding them. But it's not because I loathe them or can't stand them. Its me that has the problem with them, that's why yeast is a fascinating creature; all bunched together with her sisters, feeding on flour, sugar and water to reproduce and make more and so on. It doesn't need it's own place, peace and quiet, no one puts upon it, no one says 'pull yourself together', no one says as my husband did this afternoon; 'you'll be fine to go back to work in a fortnight!' I don't think so! My job is very hands on, people around all the time, noisy and when I'm well the best most fulfilling job in the world. I don't do my job for me I do it for them. I could work in a less demanding job like a takeaway, but that wouldn't do me. I want to look back and think I made a difference to someone's life, you're not going to get that serving Big Macs!

Life throws you curve balls, I just want to know when a ball straight and true is heading my way? Depression is the curve ball that keeps hitting me, and it's not fair, I wish I had the courage to ask for new balls or a new game, with new rules.