outside is good!

Finally I have felt the fresh air...

On Monday I went outside my house for the first time in 32 days. Nothing much has changed out there, they are still digging up the road to fill in pot holes, there are no new leaves and the spring bulbs are nervously shooting up their emerald green stalks. In my absence the outside has not done any exciting and new, the sun still rises and the sky is still wintry blue (when you can see it) there is talk on the radio of winter storms over the weekend, so do I continue my self imposed stay and go back to counting the days or do I embrace my new found outside freedom and get cold? It sounds like a good plan a walk in wintry murky murk, it would suit my mood. Going out there has not relinquished the hold my depression has on me, mores the pity, but I need to get out there force myself to do it, even if it's only to walk to the pond and feed the ducks.

I'm also going to make myself go back on Facebook. It's not fair how I've given up on my friends like this. The ones who know me and love me understand my depressive episodes and are still here, checking on me through my husband and children. I miss my friends but not enough to bother them with my feelings. I don't want to drag them down into my pit of mud. I do love them and will see them again soon.

I'm still struggling to sleep at night, no coke or coffee after 6pm and it still makes no difference. I've still got irrational fears whirling round my mind, it's not like I can write them down to think about tomorrow, they still crawl around inside my head at 3am making their presence feel. Because of not sleeping I feel crap during the day, the vicious circle of fear, lack of sleep, irrational thoughts, blackness is feeding my mood. I have to start telling my GP all this I'm sure my medication needs upping. I need to relax, think of something positive.

Looking forward I don't want to feel like this forever. I want to go back to work, come home, play with my grandson, I want an almost normal life, but I can't see forward yet and that scares me. My husband and daughter say small steps, take it a day at a time. I try to is all I can say and do. 

Don't want to always be like this....