I am not a rag doll!

Depression is an illness you know...

I've not slept a wink last night, I don't feel particularly tired, just very stressed. Not sleeping is a depressive person's worst case scenario. You run things around in your head, the calm voice is quiet, the nagging voice loud. I also have a Dean Martin song on repeat, it's a musical brain worm.

Not sleeping means you are not refreshing your serotonin, which makes the depression worse, I certainly feel especially depressed today, not just from lack of sleep but the fact the lack of sleep has dampened my serotonin levels. It's a vicious circle. I am on sertraline antidepressants http://www.drugs.com/sertraline.html and have been since 2010, in December my GP upped my dose from 50mg to 100mg, that was 4 weeks ago and I really don't feel they are making much difference yet.

Depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, irrational thoughts,  panic attacks (this is me on a bad day) are an illness the same as pneumonia, cancer, tonsillitis,  you go to the doctor to be treated just the same. When I speak to my husband about past depressive episodes and why we didn't do such and such I'll say well I was ill then, the same as when I had a bad gall bladder infection last year or when I had ovarian cysts removed 5 yesrs ago. I'm also ill with firbromyalgia, its a painful condition in which the sufferer feels pain in their joints but it's psychosomatic, the pain is real but not really there. http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/conditions/fibromyalgia.aspx. 

I just wish more people understood depression. You can't just pull yourself together, you are not a rag doll! Nor can you simply take stock (count your blessings as one misguided churchgoer told me)and think everything I have in my life is good. I do have good things in my life, a loving husband,  supportive family, a gorgerous grandson, but would you honestly say to someone ill with cancer ' Put yourself together,  you have a good family' and expect them to get better! No you certainly would not, so why say it to someone who's depressed they are ill too, they need treatment,  be it medical or therapy. 

I am ill, and those that care for you notice the signs and symptoms, sometimes long before you the depressive does. And there are physical, outward signs and symptoms. Personally I stopped taking care of myself. When I'm well I'm well groomed, make up, roots touched up, smart clothing. my friends at work noticed I stopped doing my hair and stopped the make up, a few weeks before I did, I was climbing down into a dark pit and never noticed. The big involuntary world weary sigh is also a symptom others notice, especially if they've had depression issues themselves. I also couldn't sleep, I worried irrationally, cried in the toilets and waited for my doom. It came when I was called into the office to be told off by my boss, my work had taked a downturn. I had my nervous breakdown then and I have been off work since. I don't blame my boss she has the right to expect the best from her staff especially in the job I do. 

Life throws at you curveballs like depression, I have been made to recognise this so many times. Sleep as ever is illusive, and at 9.49am GMT I have to admit defeat and try to face the day. I'll get there....